GavinBelfast

My brother Dane.

He’s 13 years younger than me, I can’t believe he’s 14, he’s almost a man.

I have such a bad memory, for one reason or another, but I can remember the day he was born quite clearly. I’d played football that morning, got my usual Mars bar and Lucazade from Mark’s van before heading home for a bath. Me and Bob went up to the hospital with Karen, Mel was working in the McDonalds at Bradbury Place, just down the road so once Karen got checked in and settled we went down to tell her what was happening (and to get some free McFlurrys!).

She thought we were joking, I think my aunt Mandy was expecting about the same time so Mel thought we were up seeing her, something like that, she didn’t believe us at first. The mad smile on my bake probably convinced her otherwise.

He wasn’t born til early the next morning, Mel must’ve stayed up the whole night, I remember her wakening me to tell me we had a baby brother (unless I’m on fire or about to be on fire, don’t wake me, I won’t care. Donna’s learnt that the hard way). So I just dozed over, yeah, you’d think I’d have been all mad excited, what can I say, I needed my sleep back then…

Woke up early, Mel might’ve made toast, not sure. I recall being in baby shops in the city centre and Sandy Row that morning, really early, the streets were empty.

I know I was nervous, I remember standing outside the Jubilee, just thinking about everything. A daft thing I did, I’d read somewhere that babies respond to contrasting colours so I wore my Rangers goalie top, the old orange, white and black one. I remember Karen being pissed at me for wearing it, everyone on the ward would know we were prods I guess. I was pissed at her for caring.

I remember being there, like I remember the actual moment, I don’t remember holding him though, if I did or not, wish I could. I know I loved him, I can remember being so happy, my own wee brother!

I used to push him round the Glencairn in his pram, don’t forget I was only 13/14 at the time, think that’s a bit odd to be honest. People used to think he was a girl cus his hair had grown out, he had a full bowl haircut.

There’s been times I’ve felt so close to him, he’s probably one of a very few people who understands me, I can be myself with him and until recently, he was always himself with me. Even when I was first going with Donna, I remember he was shy but it didn’t last long, he was always cool about it. I’d worried that he’d think she was taking me away from him. He threw a full pysco when he saw us kissing one time, I think I spoke to him then, reassured him about things. It was funny though, the way he reacted, think he said “dirty kissing”.

His first shoes, they were like something Frankenstein’s monster would’ve wore, he was so clumsy when he got them.

I feel like we’re drifting apart now, since Amy was born, he never calls up unless he’s forced to. He’s held her once and that was almost at gunpoint. It makes me sad that he can’t be happy with us, I know he’s a teen now and that’s how they are, moody, too cool for babies etc, but it upsets me a lot. There are three people I truly love, he’s one of them, I hope he knows that. I’ve told him it, for a change he’s the one who feels awkward (fuckin genetics), he calls me weird, I’d have done the same probably, just hope he knows I mean it.

I want him in Amy’s life, I want him in my life, my own wee family’s life.

Other stupid things I remember.

Bob had a decent record collection, lots of classic stuff, it’s where I got my love for the Beatles from, I remember wandering if Dane would like the Beatles when he was older.

When we still lived in Forthriver Parade, I remember singing Bohemian Rapsody to him, must’ve been only months old at the time.

I remember worrying that when he grew up he’d think I wasn’t cool, or he’d be a wee cunt and just wouldn’t like me.

He cried a lot at night, which was really off-putting when you’re a teenager trying to do “teenager” things in the next room.

His first Linfield match was when he was two and a half weeks old, against Ards at Windsor. I didn’t go, was too busy playing football. I still have the match program Bob bought somewhere.

I wish we’d had digital cameras back then, there really aren’t enough pics of him.

I was really terrified for him the morning of his first day at secondary school, really proud too.

I used to pick him up from primary school, I was the only fella waiting at the gates, he’d always be one of the last out.

I would always worry that he’d be socially awkward like me, no shit right! But it consumed a lot of my time, just thinking about it, worrying, thinking of advice I could give him.

Extra bit at the end

I’m sick of typing the word “remember”, really tore the arse outta it so I’m gonna stop writing about the past, makes me sad anyway, dwelling on things for any length of time.

Oh, and Dane, if you happen to read this, the threat still stands, I’ll break your legs if I ever catch you smoking.